Back to work…
No, this blog has not been neglected. But after the ridiculously boring summer that inspired me (and gave me time to) start The Extraordinary G, I dove head-first into an foreign culture in hopes of pursuing my passion to travel while giving the finger to the crumbling U.S economy. In the past four months I’ve been baffled, amazed, delighted, and annoyed by the nuances of Korean society. In short, Korea is not for the faint of heart, in any aspect. Until now, I haven’t had the time or the capability to properly articulate my thoughts on my new experience. Also, all three authors have been in a sort of limbo, each one of us waiting for the other two to write a post that will bring back life to the blog. So I guess I can take credit for breaking the silence.
Actually, a few weeks ago I drafted a scathing post about my romantic endeavors (or lack thereof) in Korea. Ensō intrusively read my unfinished draft and called it “brilliant”. And it was arguably my best draft, as it vented my raw emotions at that present time. But immediately after constructing that draft, I made progress, and therefore no longer had the passionate anger needed to finish that post.
Although things have slowed yet again, I am now calm enough to describe and critique the dating scene in Korea without sounding as salty as the Dead Sea. To get to the point, I can describe it in one word: weak.
Weak as hell.
At least from my perspective: an 22-year old American male who’s non religious and socially progressive and liberal. Pretty much describes our default target audience.
What makes the dating scene so weak, one might ask? Well, the very same reason why Korea is so awesome. Korea is a marvel of a country steeped in Confucianism. Confucianism promotes, among many other things, total respect for elders and social harmony. And because Korea has only been industrialized for the past 30 years, most people (in my opinion) still have a very traditional mindset that’s straight out of the agrarian, deeply, deeply Confucian Korea of the past. This mindset is only thinly disguised by the short miniskirts and stilettos, fancy cell phones, and catchy pop tunes.
Korea in the present has been compared to America in the 1950’s. Men are still the breadwinners who can reprimand their wives like Ricky Ricardo, women still the submissive types who refrain from cursing and discussing “heavy” topics. A woman’s primary goal in her 20’s is to be married by the end of it. Maybe 2 or 3 long relationships under the belt before walking down that aisle–that’s it. It has even been said that Koreans don’t marry for love but for the mere sake of fulfilling a social obligation for the benefit of their families. I am not sure if this is true, but judging by how dry and stoic Korean weddings are reputed to be, I’m inclined to believe it.
And it’s obvious that Korean society is sexually repressive. How else can one explain the “save it for marriage” attitude of many Korean women and the proliferation of brothels, under the form of barbershops, massage parlors, “business” bars, and noraebang (karoake in Japanese) establishments? And these places are everywhere man; you’re never more than a stone’s throw from paid sex.
From what I’ve been told, dating a “traditional” Korean girl involves patience, more patience, and the carnal restraint of a monk. A guy should expect absolutely no physical contact with her (this may even include hugs) for a lengthy period of time. A kiss will typically signify the beginning of a relationship, rather than the mere beginning of communication as in the West. After that, sexual progress will vary, but will take much time in any case. At this point, our Korean counterpart and his girlfriend may start wearing matching T-shirts and sweaters. And doing cute shit like buying teddy bears and candy. But besides holding hands, absolutely no P.D.A! That may actually not be such a bad thing, as I don’t particularly favor public displays of affection, either. But I digress…
And then its to the wedding hall so that Mom will think she’s one step closer to having several male grandchildren. And then soon after, (in some cases) its to the “barbershop” to get fucked massaged. He’s been going there for years, of course, but it’s been a while. Because I’ve also heard that marital sex in Korea isn’t frequent.
Now I know I’m being very cynical, and that’s actually out of character for me. I consider myself a very optimistic person, usually. But what I described to you isn’t a joke. It’s what I am reiterating from traditional Korean women themselves as well as Western women who have been in the dating game here for years. And from what I understand, the main difference between a “traditional” and “non-traditional” Korean woman is that the latter is more physical than the former. But it seems that both scurry to look for husbands at a relatively early age and are shy and submissive. Oh, lest I forget, there’s the xenophobic Koreans that would never date a foreigner. And then there’s the xenophobic Koreans that would never date a dark foreigner…. sometimes I need to remind myself that as a 22 year old man from the U.S, I voluntary chose to live here. I am rather disappointed by what I’ve seen and experienced (romantically) thus far in South Korea.
And don’t get it twisted, it’s equally as dismal, or more so, for Western women out here. I will quote my Korean dating veteran friend directly when she said, “It’s easy to have a one-night stand with a Korean man, extremely difficult to start a relationship with one.” Turns out that even Korean men can’t resist the temptation of open legs. But from what I observed, the game is hard for foreign women too. And it seems like they have to do all the work, since many Korean men are just so pussy shy about getting theirs. I have two friends who’ve given their numbers to men who were interested in them, with positive body language to accompany it, and they still had to make the initial contact. I mean, jeez…who out there can translate The Extraordinary G into Korean?
So now the next question, “Tyrique, forget the Koreans, why don’t you stick to fellow foreigners?” In short, they’re even weaker. I’ve found most of the foreign women I’ve met to be quite unattractive, and the guys are a ramshackle bunch of creeps and creepers. The single best dating advice that I’ve received here is to meet Korean women in “Western-style” bars, because they’ll typically be more open-minded than usual. And from the half-hour I spent in one of these establishments, I found that to be true. But the joint was teeming with creeps and creepers. Dudes like Quagmire from Family Guy and that random old dude that keeps going after Chris. Mixed in with a few fuglies, overall losers, and plain Johns, and there you go. What explains the abundance of creeps and creepers here? Well, a heavy interest in Asia is still strange and unconventional in the eyes of many Westerners, and therefore, people who have a desire to live here are a little strange and unconventional. It can be said that I am too.
From a historical perspective, I personally believe that this phenomenon also stems from the historical Orientalist view of Asian women as submissive, exotic, and desperate to go up the social ladder by dating any man of white skin. If that’s the case, they’re in the wrong Asian country, because while white skin alone may yield more results in the dating game, Korean women are usually still looked down upon for dating any kind of foreigner. And honestly, it seems that the best-looking Korean women reserve themselves for Koreans. But that’s Orientalism at work, Korean women dating plain-ass foreign men simply because of their perceived social status, and foreign men dating plain-ass Korean women simply due to their “yellow fetish”. I saw it at my alma mater, and I see it now. Some guys with no social skills or lives believe that Asian women will eat it up nonetheless, and unfortunately I’ve seen that to be more true than false.
Of course I can only speak from my experience in a small Korean city. I do not live in Seoul, so I have no clue how cosmopolitan Koreans act. Again, I DO NOT LIVE IN SEOUL. So please stop asking me how I’m doing in Seoul, because I DO NOT LIVE IN SEOUL!!! Teaching job in South Korea ≠ Teaching job in Seoul, for the record. I live in a pleasant yet bustling country-ass city named 구미 (or Gumi in Engish). It’s definitely urban, but without the sophistication of larger Korean cities. I like this place, but I’m nowhere near a “Gumiphile” like many foreigners who live here. I am quite critical of its limitations, including dating.
Again, don’t get it twisted, I’m not ignorant. I’m not one of those foreigners in Korea who doesn’t partake in the culture and remains in a bubble with other non-Koreans. I have several Korean friends and am learning the language at a fast rate. I am quite fond of Korean food and would much rather (except for in Daegu or Seoul) hang out at a local Korean hangout spot than the bullshit they pass off as “Western-style”. I am simply critiquing the dating scene here from what I’ve experienced, observed, and heard. And actually, the baffling what-the-fuck-ness of the Korean dating scene is, in some ways, a refreshing change from this ego-deflating, straight Darwinist “survival of the fittest” game that is modern dating for men in America. So I am not dissing Korean people, I’m just telling it how I see it.
Confucius has been successfully cock-blocking foreigners since the end of the Korean War. So the title of this post is “???”, because I don’t know what the hell to do…
tyrique
