How It’s Done…

It’s been a really long time and I’m 90% sure no one will see this post. But fuck it, here goes. It’s currently a little after 4AM Friday/Saturday and I’m on my way home from a bar alone. However I’m happy and content. I just made decisions and observations that have me confident that I can live up to the the title of Extraordinary G for as long as I want. There is one very coveted action for men once they turn 21 and “get their first little taste of the night life”.  It’s been normalized by countless forms of media and sort of serves as a rite of passage. Some, like myself (until recently) have a hard time achieving it. So many ask the question “How do I meet a girl, take her home and close the deal?”

     Well here’s my best attempt to break it down from my personal experience and observations:

1. Venue is important:

Knowing it half the battle. You want to find a place that suites your personal style AND is likely to have girls  willing to have an overnight relationship.  Spend some nights out around different places. Google some shit. Do whatever, but finding a good venue is important.

2.Don’t fear failure:

You must accept that you might be rejected, but that absolutely can not be allowed to ruin your night. If you get a “no” just keep it moving and find something else. it’s that simple. Keep having fun. Don’t take to so seriously. Being bold and confident is paramount must be maintained.

3. Know your target:

This might actually be the most important step. It’s where I’ve failed in the past and where I see guys fail every time I go out. Once you know this part it’s pretty hilarious watching the dudes that don’t.  Not every girl is up all night to get lucky. Some just want to have fun and sing along to Taylor Swift with their girls. Some have boyfriends or guys their “seeing”.  But when a girl is out for a ummm… connection. It’s pretty easy to spot. Being able to figure out who you should approach will also greatly decrease your rejection rate.

Here’s a few examples: If she’s not dancing or drinking, that’s a bad sign. Groups can be tricky. If she’s out with more than 2 or 3 friends, pass. Can’t think other clear signs right now but it’s pretty easy to tell who is and who isn’t willing.

The first thing to look for is a girl talking to a guy, or guys. You kinda have to analyze to see if they just met or whatever. But if a girl is obviously looking for attention, the ball is in your court. Pretty much every guy she’s talked to has a shot. Your job is to be the winner. Be creative, use something. If you can dance use it. Or just try to get her isolated through conversation. Once you achieve her focus and attention you’re on easy streak. All you have to do is follow the next step…

4. Stay focused:

Once the ice is broken and the small talk is out of the way, you must remember what it is that you’re trying to do. Get her into your bed. Everything you say should be something to get you closer to that goal. I don’t care if you just found out you’re reading the same book and you both feel really attached to the main character. Fuck deep conversations, you’re trying to get laid.  All you have to do is show her you’re attracted. If you’re thinking she’s sexy say it. If you feel like she wants to/would kiss you, just go for it. The next step from a good make out session is a commute. Do not be shy about suggesting leaving and going to your place. If you feel more comfortable making an excuse like “let me show you something” or “I have hooka” or “I have weed” so you both feel less sleazy, that’s fine I guess. Personally, I say just straight up go for it. Of course, there is one more unfortunate idea that must be acknowledged.

5. Know when to pack it up:

So everything closes at a different time depending on where you are.  I have to go by NYC rules. So with a 4AM closing time it’s been a pretty universal observation that if you don’t have anything going by 2:30AM, you might have to wait for another night. There’s still hope, but fleeting. By 3AM  depending on your personal preference or standards you might still be able to bottom feed.  I wouldn’t really recommend it. So use your time wisely. If you’re out to get laid don’t waste a hour talking to a girl who’s obviously not going to give you more than her number. Won’t do you any good when 2:30 rolls around. In NY the clock is ticking from 12 to 2:30.

That’s pretty much it. It’s kinda simple. There are plenty of ways to go about it but I’d say these are some pretty universal guidelines. Happy hunting. I think I’ll save my story from tonight another time.

IDWBP (or maybe I do),

–  Ray

 

The Dilemma

If you’ve read all of my posts on this blog it should be very clear to you that my love life (of lack there of at times) is not very typical. I always end up in strange situations that only my boy Tyrique could relate to. This trend in my life is showing no signs of fading as I am now facing a brand née delima that I suprisingly have never faced before.

I’m actually taking a bit of a risk writing about this situation Being that I am currently dealing with it and if any of the parties involved were to discover this blog it would very possibly compromise the outcome. Never the less, here’s the skinny.

It was a pleasant early spring night.
I was taking a walk on the way to deposit a check and then meet up with my brother. During my stroll I began to think about the week before. In which I was on bus heading home and a very attractive young lady sat right behind me. I reflected on how my mind wen’t totally blank and I was void of a statement to spark a conversation. I also reflected on how the night before this stroll I met up with some friends at a party that was just ending only to find many, many girls there that appeared to be my type. However, they were all leaving and once again I failed to think of a suitable opening. I had 2 failures in 2 weeks, such a record brings into question if I am qualified to write in this blog. There were the thoughts going throughout my minds as I suddenly got frustrated with myself waking down the street. I need to end this self imposed G hiatus, I was getting rusty. I knew I was a better G that these past 2 events. So I declared to my self that the next girl I saw that I was attracted to I would speak to. At that moment, mid-stride, I looked to my left and I saw her. “Shit, that soon!? I can’t back down now” I thought to myself as I continued to walk. Realizing I was only a block away from the bank I decided to deposit the check and head back to where I saw her after. After depositing the check I exited the bank only to find her right in front of me on the street. She began to walk to a near by park risking it all acknowledging that I could be viewed as creepy and rejected, I decided to follow determined to keep the newly established pact with myself.
The moment I caught up with her she was sitting down on a park bench. I inquired about the location I noticed her in and asked if there was even going on. She responded and a conversation commenced.

I was astounded to find the similarities we shared. She embodied attributes I dreamt about finding in a female during my teen years but long since giving up on, believing my standards were too particular and unrealistic. We connected and I began to lose myself in the moment. My bliss was abruptly interrupted as she casually uttered the words “my boyfriend” in the context of our conversation.

Of course, if you have been keeping up with my stories it’s obvious that nothing is easy in my life when it comes to females. Hiding my disappointment and despair the conversation continued. I didn’t want it to seem as if romance was my only intention because truthfully, it wasn’t. I found an amazing person. My kind of person, and I wanted to get to know her.

A short time after a phone call the boyfriend showed up and I felt incredibly awkward, being a strange dude talking to his girl on a park bench on a beautiful spring night as he approached. I shook his hand and departed. She and myself already exchanged contact information and soon after he hung out. Just me, her… two of her friends and her boyfriend. And as my life would have it the boyfriend and myself shared a route half way home where we had a lengthily conversation about common interests. At it’s conclusion I was sad to say that I really like the guy. We’ve hung out since and I always have a great time with her, without and with her boyfriend there. Something about it kinds seems right.

But therein lies my dilemma. I made a new friend who is perfect in many ways but I can’t have her and I am also now friends with main reason I can’t have her.

I’m not going to stress about it though, “que sera sera” as they say. I’m not gonna be hung up on the situation and count the days until they maybe break up, I met 2 pretty awesome people and all because I decided that I wasn’t going to remain silent and get my G back on. All’s well that ends well and maybe this is just beginning.

One thing I neglected to mention, which adds to the allure of the situation. Her name. She shares the same first as and last initial of my ex girlfriend. Some might find this to be a bad thing. The way I see it, if the ideal were to occur the last trace of that chick would he replaced and redefined. But like I said, I’m not going to stress about it. It’s kinda of a win win, time will tell.

IDWBP,

– Ray

 

The Hookup

Well well, it seems that Mr. Adams has had his first offical no strings attached hookup. It was quite a refeshing experience as pretty much every other girl I’ve kissed and slept next to has fallen for me. We didn’t have sex but other things did happen and I was in her room when the sun came up (use your imagination). In the morning we walked outside I gave her a hug and wished her well. Simple, easy, painless. Not a bad way to end a night feuled by drunken lust and good conversation. It was also refreshing because, well, frankly as result of my G hiatus and my temporary after college living arangement (hi mom!) it had been a quite a while since I had any physical contact. Now that both things are changing I question what will be in the future for me. It seems that I will fall in with the ranks of the average noncommited dude my age and wander aimlessly until I find a destination in substance. Such a bittersweet existence. Well, I sorta found something but that, I will get into on the next one. Oh boy, that’s gonna be interesting.

IDWBP

-Ray

 

The Return of the G/ The Ex

Wow, I’m back. I apologize for the long wait. After my last post I got quite busy and I started concentrating on other things in my life. In addition, I’ve been kinda on a “G hiatus” so I didn’t have much to write about when I had the time. Now I’m getting back to it though. I got the wheels moving on my other endevors and I’m about to get back on my G game. I’m feeling really good right now. A recent occurance has inspired me to get back to my writing. Hopefully, there will be more to come.

Now for the story…
A couple of nights ago (well really in the early morning) I was up on my laptop working intently when my iPhone startled me with a buzz. The a text message I recieved was even more startling.

“I miss u” read on the screen. The origin of the message was a number that was not saved in my phone. I contemplated, “who the hell would text me at 2:35 in the morning telling me that they missed me?” Very few candidates presented themselves to my memory. The prime being my ex girlfriend. However, although her number had been deleted from my phone for months I do have a vage memory of what it was. This number did not match my memory. I hit up my best friend about my perplexing delemia and he decided to further investagate and google the phone number.

Indeed, the number was from the neighborhood of my exgirlfriend. I suppose she had gotten a new phone number. I had no idea what to do so I replied as if this extensive research wasn’t done.

“I feel bad, but this number isn’t saved in my phone. Who’s this?”

In retorspect this may have been a little harsh. But, in a lot of ways it’s true. I don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me. I don’t think my past relationship is at all typical. But nothing in my life ever is. I did a pretty good sum up of how I feel about the relationship in my last post, “The Lovefool” so feel free to look back to that for some backstory. To develop things a bit further I will get into some details that I neglected to mention. I did say the during senior year I severed all ties. However, she’s hasn’t been far away from me really. This is the result of an occurance that has been disturbing me every couple weeks or the last few months.

I dream about her and it pisses me off. The dreams usually consist of her reaching out to me in some way and me rejecting her. There have also been two dreams consistng of us having sex (I call thoes nightmares). What bothered me the most was waking up and feeling her. Feeling as if the events of my somnia had actually occured. I knew how real the possibility of these things were. For months I have not been able to figure out what the cause of these dreams have been.

During a rant to my best friend I had an ephiany. In the past year I’ve been in a state of perpetual denial. Not as if I was just trying to forget her but more so trying to live as if it never actually happend. If she was the only girl I’d had sex with I would have claimed I was a virgin. I feel as my subconscious has been reacting to my denile and forcing me accept the past I was running away from. The other aspect of my ephiany is why exactly I was going so far to try and deny things. I felt like if I acknowledged the relationship I would become vulnerable to letting her back in life. This is something that I can not have because it is clear to me that at least for now she can hold no place in my life that would not bring me down. Realiziing all of this has now let me come to terms with it all with out feeling vulnerable but I still see no place for her in my life right now.

With all of this said I think the most relavent result of dating her is the fact that she is still my first and only relationship, 4 years later. This is because that experience has made me reluctant to start an relationship with anyone else for fear of going through something similar. I now refuse to settle in any way, shape or form. So if I can forsee any complications in a realtionship with a girl, I will not pursue it. In addition, in the event that a girl seems to be good enough to date there is one thing that’s she must do that my ex always failed at. She must prove she’s worth getting the best of me. As I said in my last blog, she was like my experiment and for me it was more about being a boyfriend then being HER boyfriend. I gave her so much more than she deserved, attempting to reach my own standard. That I will never do again.

It will take a lot for me to get a new girlfriend and then try to be the best boyfriend I can be, but then again I don’t even know if that’s what I want to do right now. I’m feeling good and I’m back on my G . What the exact goal of it all is, I don’t know. I guess that’s a post for another time. The only thing that’s clear is…

I Don’t Wanna Be A Player

-Ray

 

???

Back to work…

No, this blog has not been neglected. But after the ridiculously boring summer that inspired me (and gave me time to) start The Extraordinary G, I dove head-first into an foreign culture in hopes of pursuing my passion to travel while giving the finger to the crumbling U.S economy. In the past four months I’ve been baffled, amazed, delighted, and annoyed by the nuances of Korean society. In short, Korea is not for the faint of heart, in any aspect. Until now, I haven’t had the time or the capability to properly articulate my thoughts on my new experience. Also, all three authors have been in a sort of limbo, each one of us waiting for the other two to write a post that will bring back life to the blog. So I guess I can take credit for breaking the silence.

Actually, a few weeks ago I drafted a scathing post about my romantic endeavors (or lack thereof) in Korea. Ensō intrusively read my unfinished draft and called it “brilliant”. And it was arguably my best draft, as it vented my raw emotions at that present time. But immediately after constructing that draft, I made progress, and therefore no longer had the passionate anger needed to finish that post.

Although things have slowed yet again, I am now calm enough to describe and critique the dating scene in Korea without sounding as salty as the Dead Sea. To get to the point, I can describe it in one word: weak.

Weak as hell.

At least from my perspective: an 22-year old American male who’s non religious and socially progressive and liberal. Pretty much describes our default target audience.

What makes the dating scene so weak, one might ask? Well, the very same reason why Korea is so awesome. Korea is a marvel of a country steeped in Confucianism. Confucianism promotes, among many other things, total respect for elders and social harmony. And because Korea has only been industrialized for the past 30 years, most people (in my opinion) still have a very traditional mindset that’s straight out of the agrarian, deeply, deeply Confucian Korea of the past. This mindset is only thinly disguised by the short miniskirts and stilettos, fancy cell phones, and catchy pop tunes.

Korea in the present has been compared to America in the 1950’s. Men are still the breadwinners who can reprimand their wives like Ricky Ricardo, women still the submissive types who refrain from cursing and discussing “heavy” topics. A woman’s primary goal in her 20’s is to be married by the end of it. Maybe 2 or 3 long relationships under the belt before walking down that aisle–that’s it. It has even been said that Koreans don’t marry for love but for the mere sake of fulfilling a social obligation for the benefit of their families. I am not sure if this is true, but judging by how dry and stoic Korean weddings are reputed to be, I’m inclined to believe it.

And it’s obvious that Korean society is sexually repressive. How else can one explain the “save it for marriage” attitude of many Korean women and the proliferation of brothels, under the form of barbershops, massage parlors, “business” bars, and noraebang (karoake in Japanese) establishments? And these places are everywhere man; you’re never more than a stone’s throw from paid sex.

From what I’ve been told, dating a “traditional” Korean girl involves patience, more patience, and the carnal restraint of a monk. A guy should expect absolutely no physical contact with her (this may even include hugs) for a lengthy period of time. A kiss will typically signify the beginning of a relationship, rather than the mere beginning of communication as in the West. After that, sexual progress will vary, but will take much time in any case. At this point, our Korean counterpart and his girlfriend may start wearing matching T-shirts and sweaters. And doing cute shit like buying teddy bears and candy. But besides holding hands, absolutely no P.D.A! That may actually not be such a bad thing, as I don’t particularly favor public displays of affection, either. But I digress…

And then its to the wedding hall so that Mom will think she’s one step closer to having several male grandchildren. And then soon after, (in some cases) its to the “barbershop” to get fucked massaged. He’s been going there for years, of course, but it’s been a while. Because I’ve also heard that marital sex in Korea isn’t frequent.

Now I know I’m being very cynical, and that’s actually out of character for me. I consider myself a very optimistic person, usually. But what I described to you isn’t a joke. It’s what I am reiterating from traditional Korean women themselves as well as Western women who have been in the dating game here for years. And from what I understand, the main difference between a “traditional” and “non-traditional” Korean woman is that the latter is more physical than the former. But it seems that both scurry to look for husbands at a relatively early age and are shy and submissive. Oh, lest I forget, there’s the xenophobic Koreans that would never date a foreigner. And then there’s the xenophobic Koreans that would never date a dark foreigner…. sometimes I need to remind myself that as a 22 year old man from the U.S, I voluntary chose to live here. I am rather disappointed by what I’ve seen and experienced (romantically) thus far in South Korea.

And don’t get it twisted, it’s equally as dismal, or more so, for Western women out here. I will quote my Korean dating veteran friend directly when she said, “It’s easy to have a one-night stand with a Korean man, extremely difficult to start a relationship with one.” Turns out that even Korean men can’t resist the temptation of open legs. But from what I observed, the game is hard for foreign women too. And it seems like they have to do all the work, since many Korean men are just so pussy shy about getting theirs. I have two friends who’ve given their numbers to men who were interested in them, with positive body language to accompany it, and they still had to make the initial contact. I mean, jeez…who out there can translate The Extraordinary G into Korean?

So now the next question, “Tyrique, forget the Koreans, why don’t you stick to fellow foreigners?” In short, they’re even weaker. I’ve found most of the foreign women I’ve met to be quite unattractive, and the guys are a ramshackle bunch of creeps and creepers. The single best dating advice that I’ve received here is to meet Korean women in “Western-style” bars, because they’ll typically be more open-minded than usual. And from the half-hour I spent in one of these establishments, I found that to be true. But the joint was teeming with creeps and creepers. Dudes like Quagmire from Family Guy and that random old dude that keeps going after Chris. Mixed in with a few fuglies, overall losers, and plain Johns, and there you go. What explains the abundance of creeps and creepers here? Well, a heavy interest in Asia is still strange and unconventional in the eyes of many Westerners, and therefore, people who have a desire to live here are a little strange and unconventional. It can be said that I am too.

From a historical perspective, I personally believe that this phenomenon also stems from the historical Orientalist view of Asian women as submissive, exotic, and desperate to go up the social ladder by dating any man of white skin. If that’s the case, they’re in the wrong Asian country, because while white skin alone may yield more results in the dating game, Korean women are usually still looked down upon for dating any kind of foreigner. And honestly, it seems that the best-looking Korean women reserve themselves for Koreans. But that’s Orientalism at work, Korean women dating plain-ass foreign men simply because of their perceived social status, and foreign men dating plain-ass Korean women simply due to their “yellow fetish”. I saw it at my alma mater, and I see it now. Some guys with no social skills or lives believe that Asian women will eat it up nonetheless, and unfortunately I’ve seen that to be more true than false.

Of course I can only speak from my experience in a small Korean city. I do not live in Seoul, so I have no clue how cosmopolitan Koreans act. Again, I DO NOT LIVE IN SEOUL. So please stop asking me how I’m doing in Seoul, because I DO NOT LIVE IN SEOUL!!! Teaching job in South Korea ≠ Teaching job in Seoul, for the record. I live in a pleasant yet bustling country-ass city named 구미 (or Gumi in Engish). It’s definitely urban, but without the sophistication of larger Korean cities. I like this place, but I’m nowhere near a “Gumiphile” like many foreigners who live here. I am quite critical of its limitations, including dating.

Again, don’t get it twisted, I’m not ignorant. I’m not one of those foreigners in Korea who doesn’t partake in the culture and remains in a bubble with other non-Koreans. I have several Korean friends and am learning the language at a fast rate. I am quite fond of Korean food and would much rather (except for in Daegu or Seoul) hang out at a local Korean hangout spot than the bullshit they pass off as “Western-style”. I am simply critiquing the dating scene here from what I’ve experienced, observed, and heard. And actually, the baffling what-the-fuck-ness of the Korean dating scene is, in some ways, a refreshing change from this ego-deflating, straight Darwinist “survival of the fittest” game that is modern dating for men in America. So I am not dissing Korean people, I’m just telling it how I see it.

Confucius has been successfully cock-blocking foreigners since the end of the Korean War. So the title of this post is “???”, because I don’t know what the hell to do…

tyrique

 

The Lovefool

Infatuate
(verb)
– to arouse unreasoning love or passion in and cause to behave in an irrational way;

Latin root: fatua – stupid

The implication? Love makes us act stupid. I guess this is a fact. I think everyone who has claimed to be in love has done something foolish because of the other person. This even applies to some those who haven’t been in love. Emotions make us vulnerable and distract our thoughts. Once that line seems to be crossed it alters your perspective. At the same time, it’s a wonderful thing. It’s just a great feeling and you also feel important knowing someone feels the same way for you. We all long for a connection with someone (that’s part of the point of this blog). With this analysis of the concept, the question occurs to me: “Has Ray Adams every been in love?” My honest answer is… I hope not. If I was indeed in love in the two situations the statement was uttered I have little hope for the my future to romances judging from how they ended. Basicly, if that was love, I’m screwed.

The first was the first.

My ex girlfriend. The girl that I broke Tyrique’s cardinal rule with and settled for. I settled for the simple reason that she was pretty much the first girl to show active interest in me. After 4 years of high school with no play at all, no, not even a kiss, I decided to go with “good enough” (or so I thought she was). Going into it, we both knew I was settling but reluctantly, I went along, believing that maybe I couldn’t get better. After I committed to it I decided to make the best of it. It was like an experiment. I never had a girlfriend before so I tried to fit the mold of what I thought a boyfriend should be, even if the girl I was with was far from ideal. I admit, in retrospect I wasn’t the best boyfriend but I did a lot of good. It took me even longer to realize how bad of a girlfriend she was. That’s why the word was uttered. I indicated it in a poem but she was the first to say the phrase. It was like the flood gates opened.

A line by the rapper Andrè 3000 described me well: “Could be an organ donor the way I give up my heart”. After that I was in. She was my first everything, I was her first a lot of things. Then after 10 months she ended it with no real reason. I was hurt and kind of insulted. The girl I settled for broke up with ME? “Wasn’t this your idea? Now I’m down and you want to end it?” In the two years of college following we were on and off messing around but never back together. I believed it was love that kept us coming back to each other. Now, I don’t know. I’m inclined to think it was just the effect of finally having someone who wanted to be with me after not having anyone my who life and the subsequent connection and comfort. Senior year, I severed ties all together. The smartest thing I did in the situation (should have been the first thing). I still haven’t had another girlfriend. I ‘m in my early 20’s and I’ve had one girlfriend that I pretty much regret. Verdict: It wasn’t love, it was pre-swag ignorance and lack of confidence.

The next was… well… ummm
She was a friend of a few years. I had always been attracted to her but had put thoughts of anything more out of my head long ago. I was aware of a crush she had on me in the past. However, I figured it had long faded. She had pretty recently broken up with her boyfriend, who she had been dating for a years.It was to my great surprise when she began to show a very active interest in me during her vulnerable, post relationship state. I resisted, not wanting to risk damaging the friendship or risk an awkward future. Alas, I was vulnerable too, more than either of us had realized at the time. My physical attraction to her hadn’t faded at all either. I yielded to her temptation and it was amazing. The best sex either of us had ever had. It was what I always wanted sex to be. (if you don’t understand you haven’t had it) Neither of us had experienced being so physically in-tuned with another person. We became totally lost in each other as it became a regular activity. And then, it happened, she said it. The flood gates opened and I began to drown. I started to let her in, more than every girl since my ex. We even set a convenient day that was a good distance from our birthdays and gift giving holidays to begin dating. I started to revert to some pre- swag mistakes I made with my ex. I was so thrown off. It happened so fast I don’t think we got a chance to really see each other. And just as fast. It was over. She woke up, literally. As one sun rose the feeling dawned on her that it was wrong. She wasn’t being fair to her ex who she wasn’t yet over. As soon as see woke up out of our daze I did too. But I remained in denial, not wanting to believe that my feelings can change so abruptly. She stopped responding to my attempts to contact her and that was that. And again it struck me to say “Wasn’t this you’re idea and you want to end it?” But I digress. Unlike my ex girlfriend I don’t regret this, I did regret the damage to our friendship but steps are being taken to repair that. I don’t regret this because I have never learned more from a situation than I have from this one. Not only did I learn that there are girls out there that can match me in bed but I also learned just how confused and fickle emotions can get. We actually believed we were in love.
The Verdict: it wasn’t love, it was emotional vulnerability and and extreme passionate connection with a lot of subconscious denial. We were both a mess and neither of us was in the right enough mind to see it until it was too late.

I guess it doesn’t take love to do foolish things. I guess if I get to experience the real thing, I’ll be the dumbest guy on Earth, or it will be the first time things make sense.

IDWBP,

-Ray

 

“How many people have you slept with?”

Thoughts from Ensō

Lisa, my friend, was telling me about a guy she discarded because he’d only been with one girl.  “Has he been gay his whole life and his living his hetero fantasy through me or is he just that inept and inexperienced?”  I tried to stick up for the guy.  “Maybe,” I said, “he’s had one girlfriend for a long time.”  “Whatever,” she snorted, “if you’re right, let him get over his college sweetheart on someone else’s time.”

I apologize for the cliché, but this is a question where curiosity often kills the cat: “How many people have you slept with?”

And the answer should always be a tactful variant of, “none of your business.”

Are you asking because it’d really make a difference where your notch is on the bedpost?  Or are you asking because there really is a “right” number and you couldn’t help but wonder if you were it?

I’d been dating Yesenia for three weeks and we still weren’t sexually engaged.  “Why wait so long?” I remember asking.  “You’re special,” she’d told me,  “and I don’t want to rush… you.”  That, I could respect.  But one evening I’d fucked myself over. I’d asked her the question and she’d warned me it’d be a number I wouldn’t be pleased with.  And like a fool, I persisted.  She sighed and mumbled it.  “Thirty.”  I’d almost crashed the car in disbelief and demanded to hear it again so I could be sure my ears weren’t deceiving me.  “30.”  Ah! I had to hear it again!  And then I became irritated.  “How did all these other guys get it in so quick and I’m the one that has to wait!”  But I knew, even before she answered, that no answer would be the right one.  There was no way of justifying; what was done was done.  A few days later, I did end up becoming number thirty one, but begrudgingly.  And for the little time we dated after that I admit  her appeal and charm had henceforth been tarnished by that little bite of knowledge…

So, yes, I’m guilty of this faux pas so I can understand those that insist upon asking.  But, experience (like always becoming pissed) dictates it’s never a wise choice.

The time and place where it’s appropriate to pop the question, of course, depends upon your relationship.  But let it be known that it should never be in the beginning stages, on the first few dates, and NEVER after you’ve just made love.  Don’t think of yourself as a plus-1.  Just be grateful you were invited to the party.

 

Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell,

Ensō

 

Part 2: You know you’ve improved your swagger when…

…you’re making fewer and fewer platonic friends.

Let me rephrase: you’re making fewer and fewer platonic friends whom you are attracted to.

When I used to hear dudes say things like “There’s no dude out there who just wants to be friends with a chick; we just try to get it in”, I never knew what they were talking about. I had plenty of female buddies, including chicks I was extremely attracted to at the time. At one point, the vast majority of my friends were attractive girls, and they were great to talk to and hang out with. But, alas, that was just a characteristic of pre-G Tyrique.

For the record, I disagree with the notion that guys can’t make lasting friendships with women. But from my personal experience, it happens less frequently when you’re in active pursuit of women. It just does. If I meet a girl I’m attracted to, I typically could care less about a future friendship. Instead, my end goal is to date her, or in certain situations, to “bag” for the night. I guess my revelation is obvious–as I market myself as the more-than-just-a-friend type, fewer girls treat me as just a friend. Now it’s all or nothing; I end up being more than a friend (either just for the night or for a few dates), OR shit falls through and she’s not in my life at all.

Now of course I still make platonic friends. I’m not attracted to every girl, and not every girl is available. And you don’t always have to pursue an attractive women just for the sake of pursuing. I love platonic friendships. They’re crucial for the success of any extraordinary G. When you need romantic advice, your “girlfriend” is actually able to put herself in the shoes of the girl you’re pursuing, and such insight is oftentimes invaluable. And when you two hang out, you (should) conduct yourself in a similar manner as you would with a girl you’re courting, and that’s always good practice. And besides, what makes you an extraordinary G is that you love women, period.

Still, I bet it’s no coincidence that the majority of my platonic friendships were made before I had swag.

Outside of the friend zone,

tyrique

 

I ain’t mad at cha…

So a few months ago, I was at a bar with some of my female friends and acquaintances. One girl, a foreign exchange student from Colombia who was a friend of a friend, kinda caught my eye. We met earlier that day during dinner, and she was cute and very personable. My boy “Rizzy” who struck a long convo with her during dinner– and thus was most likely to talk to her and succeed–didn’t accompany us to the bar. That meant the coast was clear and I was in no danger of cockblocking. And to follow up on Ray Adams’s poker analogy (but using 5-card poker), I had maaaybe a pair of 10’s.  Whatev, might as well not fold. We talked, got to know each other a little bit, danced a little bit. As I said, she was real personable, so she seemed open. But my time to shine went something like this:

Tyrique: Hey, can I have your number? We should hang out sometime.

Colombiana: Ok, we can hang out…as friends, right? Here’s my number: 555-xxx-xxxx!

I call this the shut-down in advance.

But could I really be salty about the situation? Instead of acting awkward, rejecting my request, or potentially leading me on, she flat out said that she only wants to be friends. No bullshit, no confusion. “Might as well get your mind out the gutter, dude, b/c it ain’t even like that.” I’m assuming blatant honesty is just the status-quo in Latin America, because I don’t know any American girl that would stop you right in your tracks in such a direct, non-confrontational way that doesn’t deflate your ego at all.

Or rather, shouldn’t deflate your ego, if you’re secure enough to handle a woman’s gentle rejection. No matter how strong your “game” is or how much you think you have to offer, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Not everyone wants you, just like you don’t necessarily want everybody who comes your way. As Ray Adams said, you have to know when to fold, but you also have to know when you lose all your chips and the dealer is asking you to leave the table. Cause ya time is up like Flava Flav, baby. Give back her clock.

At that moment she gained my respect. Before even trying to G, I knew where we stood. I left the situation with my ego intact, certain that I could potentially establish a great friendship with her. =)

But…………fuck that shit!! hahahaha

Keeping it movin’,

tyrique

 

The Insensitive

This is one of the most beautiful and tragic, artistic and scary songs ever written. I’ve known it for a good amount of my life but in recent years it has painted a picture of a scene I’m afraid to one day live out. The father of Bossa Nova (one of my favorite musical genres) Antonio Carlos “Tom” Jobim, wrote this song. Of course, it was in Portuguese so I will have to use the translated lyrics to make my point.

Insensatez – Jobim

[How insensitive
I must have seemed
When she told me that she loved me
How unnerved and cold
I must have seemed
When she told me so sincerely
Why she must have asked
Did I just turn and stare in icy silence
What was I to say?
What can you say
When a love affair is over?

Why she must have asked
Did I just turn and stare in icy silence

What was I to say?
What can you say
When a love affair is over?

So now she’s gone away
And I’m alone
With a memory of her last look
Vague and drawn and sad
I see it still
All the heartbreak in her last look
How she must have asked,
Could I just turn and stare in icy silence
What was I to do?
What can one do
When a love affair is over?]

Some say just lie if you’re put in this position, but I’m too real to do that. So for me this song is terrifying. I can’t imagine how I would feel if a girl was spilling out her emotions to me and I was nowhere near feeling the same way, totally cold and distant with no relation to her sentiments. This fear has had a pretty significant and I think rational effect on my actions far as women are concerned.

For reasons I am yet to fully understand, people really like me. It’s not uncommon that I am surprised by the affect I have on people. On the same token, females seem to like me sometimes for reasons I can’t see and there have been a couple of times in my past where girls have gotten really into me. Just knowing that they felt a little stronger about me than I did, put me in an awkward position.

I hate hurting people. Nothing brings me more shame or makes me harder on myself than if I cause someone physical or emotional pain. In most cases I still haven’t forgiven myself long after the hurt party has forgiven me. Just the thought of how devastating this situation would be for the girl involved makes me want to avoid it like the plague!

Because of this fear I have developed perhaps the only or at least biggest flaw in my G; I hesitate or just don’t try sometimes. Not because I’m shy or because I have any type of reservations addressing people I don’t know, but simply because I don’t want someone I approach to get too into me.

I can’t tell what’s going to happen when I start talking to someone but my common decency makes me committed to dealing with the situation even after I know I’ve lost interest or I don’t see things going any further. I feel as if every opportunity I have to talk to someone runs the risk of getting into another awkward situation. The other factor that affects this is the flaw is that I generally don’t know what I want. Of course I would hesitate to engage in actions that could initiate a situation where my goals are ambiguous. It’s totally unfair for the other person involved, who may have a better idea of what they want. However, I don’t always hesitate, and when I do hesitate it’s only temporary. (Sometimes, it’s just long enough for someone else to get the jump. I never care too much when that happens.). The reason for me making a move anyway is the fact that I know that I do want something.

When I think about it, I guess it all depends on the person when it comes to what I want. Unfortunately, I can’t tell that by appearance. I think deep down I desire the full relationship with the whole nine, but with who? I just cringe at the thought starting a situation with someone thinking that it could end up in a relationship but then coming to a point where I’m the only one who sees it won’t work. I don’t want to start something potentially serious just to reject it later, with a girl totally wanting everything with me. I hesitate and hold back because I’m afraid that I’m starting just another situation with someone who won’t work with me, another situation where I end up hurting someone. I’m afraid of just “How Insensitive” I could be setting myself up to be.

There really is no solution to this that I can see. I just have to deal with everything as it comes and try to make all the right moves. As much as I love that song I don’t ever want to relate to it. I hope everything will work out. Until it does I’ll just continue to working on being an Extraordinary G.

IDWBP,
Ray