Wow, I’m back. I apologize for the long wait. After my last post I got quite busy and I started concentrating on other things in my life. In addition, I’ve been kinda on a “G hiatus” so I didn’t have much to write about when I had the time. Now I’m getting back to it though. I got the wheels moving on my other endevors and I’m about to get back on my G game. I’m feeling really good right now. A recent occurance has inspired me to get back to my writing. Hopefully, there will be more to come.

Now for the story…
A couple of nights ago (well really in the early morning) I was up on my laptop working intently when my iPhone startled me with a buzz. The a text message I recieved was even more startling.

“I miss u” read on the screen. The origin of the message was a number that was not saved in my phone. I contemplated, “who the hell would text me at 2:35 in the morning telling me that they missed me?” Very few candidates presented themselves to my memory. The prime being my ex girlfriend. However, although her number had been deleted from my phone for months I do have a vage memory of what it was. This number did not match my memory. I hit up my best friend about my perplexing delemia and he decided to further investagate and google the phone number.

Indeed, the number was from the neighborhood of my exgirlfriend. I suppose she had gotten a new phone number. I had no idea what to do so I replied as if this extensive research wasn’t done.

“I feel bad, but this number isn’t saved in my phone. Who’s this?”

In retorspect this may have been a little harsh. But, in a lot of ways it’s true. I don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me. I don’t think my past relationship is at all typical. But nothing in my life ever is. I did a pretty good sum up of how I feel about the relationship in my last post, “The Lovefool” so feel free to look back to that for some backstory. To develop things a bit further I will get into some details that I neglected to mention. I did say the during senior year I severed all ties. However, she’s hasn’t been far away from me really. This is the result of an occurance that has been disturbing me every couple weeks or the last few months.

I dream about her and it pisses me off. The dreams usually consist of her reaching out to me in some way and me rejecting her. There have also been two dreams consistng of us having sex (I call thoes nightmares). What bothered me the most was waking up and feeling her. Feeling as if the events of my somnia had actually occured. I knew how real the possibility of these things were. For months I have not been able to figure out what the cause of these dreams have been.

During a rant to my best friend I had an ephiany. In the past year I’ve been in a state of perpetual denial. Not as if I was just trying to forget her but more so trying to live as if it never actually happend. If she was the only girl I’d had sex with I would have claimed I was a virgin. I feel as my subconscious has been reacting to my denile and forcing me accept the past I was running away from. The other aspect of my ephiany is why exactly I was going so far to try and deny things. I felt like if I acknowledged the relationship I would become vulnerable to letting her back in life. This is something that I can not have because it is clear to me that at least for now she can hold no place in my life that would not bring me down. Realiziing all of this has now let me come to terms with it all with out feeling vulnerable but I still see no place for her in my life right now.

With all of this said I think the most relavent result of dating her is the fact that she is still my first and only relationship, 4 years later. This is because that experience has made me reluctant to start an relationship with anyone else for fear of going through something similar. I now refuse to settle in any way, shape or form. So if I can forsee any complications in a realtionship with a girl, I will not pursue it. In addition, in the event that a girl seems to be good enough to date there is one thing that’s she must do that my ex always failed at. She must prove she’s worth getting the best of me. As I said in my last blog, she was like my experiment and for me it was more about being a boyfriend then being HER boyfriend. I gave her so much more than she deserved, attempting to reach my own standard. That I will never do again.

It will take a lot for me to get a new girlfriend and then try to be the best boyfriend I can be, but then again I don’t even know if that’s what I want to do right now. I’m feeling good and I’m back on my G . What the exact goal of it all is, I don’t know. I guess that’s a post for another time. The only thing that’s clear is…

I Don’t Wanna Be A Player

-Ray